Sunday, December 2, 2012

Dating and Relationships

I am not someone who can be happy alone in life, without a partner/soulmate/lover/friend. I broke up with Matt at the beginning of September. Even so, I miss him. I miss having someone so completely adore and respect me. 

When I’m on flat ground, I walk pretty normally. I’m glad that I’ve come this far - no one expected me to be able to walk without a clunky leg-brace. I often walk the 4 mile Mass Ave loop. It is hard not to feel sad/shitty when you see all the runners pass you, remembering how I used to be able to run like a race-horse. I miss the endorphin rush, I miss that community.

Before my accident, I was used to guys approaching me all the time, and I certainly wasn’t used to rejection. Now, things are quite the opposite. I’ve been rejected so many times now and it is really taking its toll on my self-esteem. If a guy isn’t put off by the mention of a “serious accident” in my online dating profile, when we meet, they are put off by my injury and its implications e.g. I can’t really dance anymore, or at least I would be so self-conscious about how horrible I would be. I’ve tried the fire-hose approach, where a lot of details of my accident are revealed right away. This seems to be a bit much though, so now I’ve gone to the other extreme of blowing off my injury as this trifle of an inconvenience, and haven’t revealed the emotional toll it has taken/takes on my psyche. Then I worry about how to parse out the full details over time. I don’t want to be deceptive, but I guess there is such thing as Too Much Information (TMI). 

I had the embarrassing experience of peeing while I was having sex with a guy who had no idea about my bowel/bladder issues. I had not emptied my bladder and quite a bit of urine came out. Fortunately, this guy does not have a sense of smell so he just thought the mess was from my wet vagina. You would think that this experience would be quite mortifying, but I remember seeing the pee come out and just thinking, Oh Fuck.

No one will ever be able to completely understand the emotional and physical ordeal of my accident and subsequent recovery, but my partner would have to at least have the compassion and willingness to try to empathize and understand a little bit.

I feel like I am such a boring, uninteresting person, because I’m not doing interesting things any more, like my frequent weekend adventures. I feel that part of my mind is stagnating, and again, it is really hurting my self-esteem and how I view myself as a potential girlfriend. I feel like the combination of me not being to do certain activities and my vapidness will drive any guy away.

Matt is a really special person. I cannot convey the magnitude of his love for me. Unfortunately, I couldn’t love him back like he loved me. But Matt’s attitude and approach to my accident and injuries were incredible. Matt completely embraced my disability, not seeing it as an impediment but this thing that was a part of me that made me a stronger human-being and gave me qualities that only made him love me more. I don’t know many guys who would have that kind of attitude.
Re-reading my notes from almost 2 years ago fills me with so many emotions. Recalling my huge tracksuit pants for easy on-off, how flaccid my left leg was, the frequent bowel accidents, being scared to eat and drink for fear of having an accident, getting a wheelchair in and out of my car, having people stare at all seems like a different universe. I remember how happy I was when I was able to put on my first pair of jeans after the accident. How I had to sit on the floor and writhe around to get the pant leg over my left leg. I do miss how skinny I was though - my jeans were practically falling off me. That was pretty much the only physical positive of that experience.  

I'll post my snippets of my notes from two years ago, bit by bit, later. I should be doing problem sets and studying for mid-terms right now, but I'm not. Clearly. My body is softer and fatter than it used to be, no muscle tone anymore. But aside from that, I don't look too different than how I looked before my accident. I just look like an average female, who isn't overweight, but isn't athletic. The thing is, I've always been used to looking like an athlete. I miss that feeling of feeling completely hot. 

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