Home alone on a Friday night, feeling sad, alone and a wee bit desperate. I have never felt this anxious about being single before and I think my age is part of it, but more than that, it is being single, older, and being/feeling undesirable that is making me feel so awful. I used to relish my periods of single-dom, although I know I much prefer being in a relationship, I'm just that kind of person. I feel a partner helps bring out the best in me, and vice-versa.
My friend Victoria used the analogy of me fishing, and how my fishing "spot" used to be that of adventure/sport and now I have to find another spot. The thing is, I generally like the fish in my old spot, and I used to be the one being fished for, not the one doing the fishing. I have no problems asking guys out, but the constant rejection is really taking its toll on my self-esteem. I feel incredibly vapid, not captivating enough for the guys out there that interest me.
I know my recent postings have been incredibly self-absorbed. Sorry.
I cannot wait to see friends in the Bay Area in Jan. There is something so comforting about being with people who know what I went through and love/respect that part of me.