Friday, August 24, 2012


I haven't had much to report on since I have not been going out/doing much here. One reason is that I don't have any friends here, which makes for a lonely time. I used to relish going out by myself, meeting random people, generally doing stuff, but something happened after my accident that makes me feel scared about venturing out alone now. Case in point: it is a Friday night, I'm at home, in Boston, one of the most happening cities in America. How pathetic.

Being alone on a Friday night makes me reflect on loneliness a bit more. Certainly, everyone with a disability experiences crushing loneliness. No one else knows what it is like to occupy this body, no one knows what it is like to experience the physical pain, the mental anguish, the daily challenges...
But loneliness is also part of the human condition. Regardless of whether we are with a partner or not, I think we are, or can be, desperately lonely. That's pretty depressing. I've always found there to be a very fine line between accepting the human condition and wanting to kill yourself. But I think I feel more lonely than most people. Anyone I meet now will only know me as the person I am from this point on. No one will know who I was before my accident. I don't want to live in the past, but I do feel that there are so many characteristics and parts of me that were defined by who I was and what I did before my accident that would be important for future friends to know. I don't expect to meet many people, if anyone, who will be able to understand me, and that makes me feel incredibly sad. In the past, I've always made lots of friends through sports. Now that outlet has been largely removed, so I am worried about how I'm going to meet people now.

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