An eventful Monday climbing

Met Clint at the Lembert Dome picnic area. Really glad that he drove up to climb and hang out with me. All the photos below are courtesy of Clint.

Started off on Golfers route on low profile dome...much longer and more runout than either of us remember. I was belaying Clint in the furnace so I was pretty dehydrated, sunburned etc by the time we were done there. No matter. We decide to do Holdless Horror on Dozier. Neither of us remembered the approach so there was a fair bit of bush whacking and we got a late start. Still a fair bit of snow at the base - alpine climbing! My energy level was very low and I was not at all psyched abt getting up this thing...but I thought, if Alex Honnold can do the Half Dome - el cap link up, I can stick it out for a couple of pitches.

First pitch. A snowy start.

The climb started off hot and blazing. I have ridiculous looking tan lines on my back as a result. Clint and I were not too psyched abt the second pitch where it gets a bit wide. There were ominous looking clouds in the distance and we saw rain to the north and heard the thunder.  At that point we decided it would be better to get higher up and then look for the rap route to the left of the climb. then we got hailed on. Then rained on, then the wind picked up. Wonderful. After some traversing and down climbing, we find the rap station. We descend as quickly as possible, down a bloody waterfall, wet ropes and all. Took at a couple of full rope length raps; I'm still not a huge fan of rapping. Or lowering. Pretty psyched to get out of my soaking wet shoes and shirt into my soaking wet approach shoes and jacket which had been left out of my pack in the open. More meandering through the forest for awhile before we get back to the car just before dark. Race to the Mobil station for a humungous bowl of veggie chilli (still cant believe I ate the whole thing, such a glutton). In short, awesome day :) I think clint and I are pretty good people to be around when climbing situations get a little iffy - I was glad to have him as my partner.

Days like that remind me how climbing combines so many different things to make it the ultimate activity/sport.

A long wet final rappel. Still not a huge fan of it.

At least we caught a double rainbow at the end. Notice the soaking wet pants, jacket and bloody knee. Good times.

First multi-pitch and lead post-accident

Did South Crack on Stately Pleasure Dome w/ Kent. The approach was a little tiring for me, and I was slow heading up and on the descent. Built my first natural anchor, hanging belay, and did my first lead. Good to get those fears out of the system. Kent was a wonderful partner - we had a lot of fun climbing and hanging out together. Made it to the Mobil station for dinner and some live music, then to Benton Hot Springs for a sunset soak, before heading back to 120 to spend the night off the road there. What a wonderful day.

Still had to get over the fear of leaning back on my anchor

Top of the climb

Leading. I sewed that crack shut.

First time in Tuolumne since accident

Wei came up for the day to climb in TM with me. The last time I had been to TM before my accident was with Wei too. I remember we had a great time climbing American Wet Dream and thrashing about on Galen's Crack. This time, our/my goals/expectations were significantly lower.

We started off on Puppy Dome and then climbed at Daff Dome. The approach and descent was quite difficult for me. I think it was the first time I really just enjoyed being outside and enjoying our surroundings and view, regardless of how shitty I was climbing.

Moving up the crack awkwardly

Fairview Dome across from us. One good looking dome.

Drove back to the Valley to have dinner with Kent. He had brought up all the vegetables, spices, grains to make a fantastic dinner, knowing that I did not have my usual cookware with me. We hung out around a fire, drinking wine and eating chocolate. A wonderful day.

First time on rock since accident

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Saturday may 25, 2013

Met Kent Richards, a fellow from Supertopo who had offered to climb with me. This would be my first time touching rock since my accident. I wish I could say my returning to climbing was a triumphant one, but in reality, it fucking sucked. I struggled up climbs I used to fly up on lead. Huffing and puffing, carrying my extra weight, didn’t help matters. I followed Kent on jamcrack 5.9, one of my first leads (and an easy one at that), and while I did not hang, it still felt shitty to clumsily make my way up, especially while there were a bunch of people below watching me.

I looked enviously at the toned, muscled shoulders and backs for the female climbers, a physique I used to have.

I actually backed off a climb one of very few times in my life. About 1/3 of the way up Black is Brown at Church Bowl, I asked Kent to lower me. I was gutted. I hung my head in shame, despair…but at the same time, tried to remind myself that this was just like learning how to walk all over again…baby-steps. Yeah right.

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Sunday May 26, 2013

Driving from Valley to Mammoth Lakes, via Tioga Pass, Tuolumne and the Mobil Station.

So many mixed emotions, some expected, many not.

Boggy Tuolumne Meadows – made me recall so many bug-filled approaches and climbs. Looking up on Lembert Dome, I recalled NorthbyNorthwest, my first 10c lead, and my subsequent lead fall on the second pitch that resulted in a broken collar-bone. Still had a hard time looking up at the monoliths and being reminded of all the climbs I did on them, remembering approaches that are either impossible or prohibitively difficult for me to do anymore. I miss carrying my weight in climbing gear.

Driving to the Mobil Station, stopping there, overlooking Mono Lake…what made me sad was thinking about all the times I went there with Justin, eating fish tacos, camping just outside the east entrance to the park.

Driving down 395 reminded me of my relationship with Scott, when we would go to Mammoth Lakes to ski, or on the way to climbing Mt Whitney. It was hard imagining summiting the highest point in the contiguous United States, remembering what a lean machine I was.

What has made this trip hard is remembering the relationships I was in when I was visiting these places. Makes me feel very lonely, worried about finding love again, kicking myself for past mistakes, missed opportunities.

I never thought I would say this, but I might actually be okay with not climbing ever again.

A trip of many firsts

I am in Mammoth Lakes, CA right now, after arriving in the Bay Area and spending a couple of days in Palo Alto and Yosemite. I will take advantage of my connectivity while I can.

I had a bit of time between the end of Finals and the beginning of summer orgo, and so decided to head out to CA for a bit. I had my climbing gear, camping gear, a rental car, a return flight home and no other plans. I knew it was going to be an interesting trip, emotionally. This was going to mark my first time entering a climbing gym, touching rock outdoors, being in Yosemite since my accident. Here are passages transcribed from my journal documenting some of my thoughts/feelings.

Wed May 22, 2013
Went to Planet Granite-Sunnyvale with Blase, Serene, Wei and Sam. First time to a climbing gym since my accident and still haven't fully processed emotions. Felt good to move body like that but also felt extremely frustrating and sad because: I couldn't use my left foot holds, I struggled on climbs that wouldn't have even been warmups for me, being super-pumped from doing so many pullups and not having any hand/fore-arm/finger strength anymore.

Felt like a big, fat, lard-ass, as evidenced by the photos.

Here I am, getting worked on a 10a. I am not wearing a climbing shoe on my left foot.

Next, I gave crack-climbing a go. I was confident that if I could get solid hand-jams, I could use just one foot to move up the crack. I made it up clean, but my right ankle was super-sore from doing all the cranking.

It was weird to see the same faces at the climbing-gym 2.5 years on. I wonder if they recognized me in my post-accident body, or knew of my story.

A first step at least. I'm beginning to think it is okay for me not to be able to climb at a high-level, or even at all again; that it is okay not to have a perfectly lean, skinny machine for a body...

I want to be able to devote myself to a career and new life - am I still grasping on to the past? What can I not let go? Getting to a satisfactory climbing level will take so much physical and mental effort - shouldn't I devote those resources to becoming a doctor?

Had dinner at Google with Eu-jin and Serene. I miss the relative cushiness of that job, but also wonder how I would be fulfilled by working there again.

Thur. May 23, 2013
The Valley.
 Terrible traffic out of the Bay Area, but once I was in the foothills, I realised how beautiful parts of the drive to Yosemite are. It was always something I thought of as a chore, a necessary inconvenience to get to climbing. I wasn't prepared for my first glimpse of Half-Dome as I drove into the park. Note to self: don't listen to Sigur Ros when you are feeling melancholy.

The moon was full and low as I entered the park. I could not bring myself to look up at El Cap, Leaning Tower, Yosemite Falls etc. Looking at them made me feel too sad and whistful, about how I could get up these formations before rather than be stuck on the ground looking up.

I had procured a campsite in Upper Pines. Hearing some climbers in the adjacent site talk about their climbs - 5.9's, 5.10's that were walks in the park for me before...was this a mistake???

Really looking forward to meeting Kent tomorrow and then Gregg in Mammoth next week. I think company will make me feel better.

Half-Dome loomed over me as I got to the Valley floor. I couldn't take it in. Not yet.

As I cathed myself in the campground restroom, I felt a strange mixture of sadness and slight indifference - this is my reality. What choice do I have but to deal with it?

Setting up my tent alone, driving alone...I thought a lot about love, past loves, finding it and experiencing it again. The shared experiences climbing, camping etc with Justin contributed so much to our love - what if there is no activity I can share with a future partner? What if my preoccupation with medical school ruins my prospects of love, marriage, perhaps children?

I don't want to be sitting here at the picnic table, writing in the dark. I want to be cooking a shared meal with a partner, enjoying the tasty calories after a day of exertion.

Thinking about cutting this trip short - too painful.